'Cause I Always Walk Alone..

On cold, winter nights, I often wake up, shivering in the dark, awake after a dream from yesteryear that's been haunting me every night. It's the same dream, the same message being relayed to me, time after time. I walk all alone in the cold, unseen white mist. The fog clogs the eyes, and all I trust at that unearthly moment is my feet, treading on unknown ground, knowing not what's next, or what just went by. I just continue to be gone with the wind..

But the run continues.. Never interrupted by something opaque, the dark, and I, continue into oblivion, running away from what is my not so trustworthy past that doesn't separate itself from my present. The thing with me is that I'm too critical of all things around me, myself included. That's a huge obstruction to my ever un-satiated quest for peace, serenity, tranquility. And that is what my past is, and that is exactly what my present is.. and that is what I imagine myself to be running away from, and that, as I have realised, is what I am still running into.

I see those hopes, and faiths at the end of the road, like the lights at the end of the tunnel, which they speak about only in gospels. I've learned that it's true, the story about the lights. But I've also learned a very dark truth alongwith it- and that even the gospels speak about this light from only the inner confines of the deep, dark, and lonely tunnel. Never have I known the unfortunate superbeing to actually reach the lighted destiny he sees. (He's never thought about the U-turn either- an easier, but improbable solution.) But then, what happens to the individual's existence? Does he stop progressing- does he stop, fall down, or reach the skies, considering that to be his final destination, or is he just too apprehensive about his forseeable institutionalisation? I think one of the Apostles should answer my querry? Maybe, the thirteenth? They have always seemed to please a myriad number of humans with their tales. But, one thing I do know is my reason for it. It's not that I've stopped, or fallen down or anything- it's the simple fear of change. Adaptation.

Generations have survived because of this seemingly easily understood concept. But, what about the tunnel that follows? Or the one after that? What goes around, comes around, right? We're playing with our lives here. It's no game of truth, and dare. Change is good, I know. But it's one of the many things I fear. I just slow down my pace. The chains of my past are heavy, and it's pulling me back, beating me down. I fear walking ahead, and I have no intention of "moving on". I'm yet another victim of my own past! Ha! The day I step out in those lights will probably be the day of Judgement, and I might as well be the dictator of Nazareth.

What I actually want, however is to reflect the lifestyles of a tape recorder. Yes! Just play the same old tape again, and again- watch my life played in reverse. Live once again, and tell my creators, "Yessir! I'm still alive!" Barring my recent past, my present past, and my own omnipresent present, my whole life has been as blissful as ignorance. That's all I crave for- live for the moments that are bygones, probably relive them as they were once upon a time, or enact them upon a different stage- knowing fully well that this won't be the case. A friend of mine (maybe not so much now- aah! The misfortunes!) had once suggested the best of solutions- escapism. I strongly rejected it, not accepting, and barely knowing that.. that was precisely my life story- escapism! I don't fear treading on unknown ground, as long as it's material, but the fears, sigh. I speak the truth, but the truth itself is something I evade when circumstances cause it to come crashing into me! Escapism! Escapism! Escapism! All I've ever done, and all I have risked with my friends for the sake of many a lost cause- only to lose it all out again!

But then, I don't think it's the right solution either- when am I not wrong? Ha! So I am fighting between the past chains, and the futuristic road, crushed by an equilibrium of inertia, that doesn't go either way! Existing in a two dimensional niche of space, and time, never living, never feeling. A note strikes my heart, weighs it down more, lowers me, and then reincarnates my urge, lifts me out of my self imposed stupor, and compels me from boring a hole in the ground- a point of no return. I'm going this way, I'm going direct the other way! The present period, aah! One would insist on it being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. Dickens is a good, good, teacher, aye! But before I equate myself with any of these great mortal literary gods of the classic times gone, I think I must suffer enough. And so I imagine this marvellous niche of space, and time all filled with the devil's woes.

DID I SWALLOW TWO APPLES?

So what, pray, is the reason for my writing this? I don't know, and you know why .. 'cause there isn't any reason. It's just a pure waste of time, just like my everyday life.. all for me to vent out all my heat, pressure, and frustration. Outlet, remember, Omega? Aah, yes! It all comes out in writing. Maybe it feels good to imagine that someone knows your strangest secret- aye! I just find a sedate pleasure in going through yesterday's gospel, the good, and the bad, comparing it with today's- cribbing, and revelling! That is why I shall never find any peace in whatever cycle I am a part of! Happyness is something we can only pursue, but never fully own. This criticism, and hugely inflated ego of mine wouldn't do a thing to rectify the aberrations 'cause frankly, I don't think I give a damn. And knowning that to be true, I go to bed, knowing that I have front row tickets to the end of myself, myself- the same heavy, detering dream.

The only change is this lovely article which does nothing but adds to the haunting corners that my life already possesses, and with this, I wish thee a good time, and good repose!

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.."

"After all, to-morrow is another day!"

[22/11/2009]