The Day That Was. :)

"The Day That Was. A great day for freedom. Free to play alone with time. Evening never come."

21st July, 2010: I have exactly eight days left over here: My city, my home.. I'm nervously waiting for the day of Judgement. A li'l excited, a li'l scared.

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else... A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

What happened today, changed everything.. It was a great day for freedom.

I woke up relatively early today, and did my usual getting-up routine. I read up on some history, and waited for the day to take its own course. Moment. I got a call from a friend, asking me to call him back immediately. I did that. It was a conference with my oldest two friends. We randomly decided to meet up, and roam around. A place was fixed, and a time, chosen. The danger: we had to go about informing/warning/coaxing our parents.

At 1430hours, the day was merely taking a randomly perfect course. We had a snack at an eatery, and sat there chalking a path for us to walk on for the next few hours. We were free to play alone with time..

We soon left, and went to the nearest railway station, and caught the first train to the last stop in South Bombay. We made a couple of prank calls to some mutual friends, to pass the thirty minute train journey. It was random, but fun. Laughing our asses off, making noises, and getting embarrassed in the public eye. It was random, but fun.

At long last, the train crawled into our designated platform, and we disembarked. We decided to walk the way to the Gateway of India in Colaba, taking in the myriad sights the area had to offer, lane by lane.. A long walk, we got tired at the end of it.

The sight of the sea spurred us back to our souls.. We reached the Gateway of India, a monument, set against the backdrop of the Arabian Sea, lying underneath a dark, cloudy sky, ready to unleash its horror without warning. The Taj Hotels, standing the test of time, and terror, majestically towering over the monument. British Raj structures- we saw it all.

The Ringing Of The Division Bell Has Begun..

"I'll show you what it's like.. to be the last one standing.."

I moved to Bombay when I was barely ten months old. I couldn't walk, and crawling was the only way to my freedom. It's been seventeen years since I first walked within those very four walls of my home, stood on my feet, ready to face the world.. and now seventeen years hence, I'm back to where I started. Crawling. The only difference being that I'm on my way out. Out to face the world, out to stand on my feet, this time, for real. No parental support, no teacher standing up to me. Friends I grew up with.. withering away, all forgotten like some distant memory I saw in last night's dream. I'm crawling my way out to that distance.. the distance that'll separate us all, and the very thought fills me up with cynicism. Fear.

The truth is I'm scared. Honestly, I'm scared. I'm not afraid of moving ahead, and meeting new people, making new friends, exploring the world outside. I'm afraid of losing out on yesteryear in the process. "Rosebud." A few years later, I might realise that the only time in my life when I was happy, really happy.. content.. was in those seventeen years. A time with no strings attached. No hatred, no jealousy. Just pure joy, as blissful as ignorance. Probably, running hand in hand with my first friend, falling down, getting hurt, and being knocked unconscious, was the best feeling I ever had. Maybe, laughing with them, taunting the others, and feeling free, actually meant something special. Growing up, this acquaintance develops into friendship, and this friendship into brotherhood. Bliss.

Then there were girls. Lust, or whatever you call desire.. "Appreciation of physical beauty in its raw form is one of the most natural of all human tendencies. It electrifies our senses, makes them come alive." The cause for many a fight. I've been through it all. Made friends, and lost better ones, in this war for vanity. Trust deceieved, love betrayed, and a jaded past. Ultimately, it all comes down to nothing.. Nothing, but a memory you'll regret all your life. Where, oh where could it 've possibly gone wrong? Why, oh why! Hurt.

The older we grow, the more we learn.. and the more we learn.. the worse we become. Our seven deadly sins get moulded to combat the world, and that's where cynicism comes in play. The world is a dirty place, and the dirt shapes ourselves for an uncertain tomorrow. Fear.

The last few weeks in this place are the worst. I stand here, falsely believing that I'm strong.. strong enough to face the disappearance of many a good memory. Strong enough to watch everyone leave, and be the last one standing. I look around, I see him leave. I look the other way, I see her leave.. and I see that She just does not care. "Passing phase," She says. "Come, and go.." I continue to believe that I shall be strong enough to take it all. It had always been my dream to live beyond the horizon, in a world of freedom, hiding behind some celestial body, so the sharp embers of the world never touch me. I look forward to it all, but the truth of the truth comes crashing down on me, and consumes me in slow decay. Seeing everyone depart, and being the last one to depart.. withers me. Sigh, vanity. The truth is.. I can't take it. I attend all the goodbyes, and see the tears shed. Probably shed a few myself, and still believe in my strength. I am what I choose to be. I choose to be strong, but my insides, like some cookie, crumble. And, when you're the last individual left, your yesterday, tomorrow, and today seem totally futile all of a sudden, like a lost cause in a battle. Lost.

Not being there with your friends when you should be, stings me. I'm moving away into a new world, a new tomorrow awaits me.. A world where I'll live for five whole years, an entire life might be lost in that time, and by the time I return (if ever!), I might not even be myself to return. I'll be taking all my own decisions, and probably never wanting to return to this city that I've grown up in, this city that has taught me to see the world with my own eyes, this city that has taught me to live. Many years later, you might remember this guy who used to talk, and laugh with every awake breath.. you might remember how much he would give to see the world at peace.. you might remember how much he would laze around, and yet do anything to make you believe in yourself. But, it wouldn't matter, 'cause that guy would then be dead, and a new slave for money would be born. A slave who is taught to fight for nothing but himself, who has to subdue his own ethics to survive in his world, and trust the law more than morality, to continue walking on his chosen path. Again, fear.

I pursue happyness, but I fail to realise that with every step forward, every word said, I'm moving away, far away from my desires. I might be free in many ways in my new world, but I shall never be happy. I'm moving away from all that was joy to me, from all that loved me, and from all that I loved.. And as a friend puts it.. "I cannot promise you that we'll be friends forever, but I can promise you that I shall never forget you." I hope many years later, we meet again someday.. somewhere in the corners of a dream village, and reminisce the times we spent laughing, and talking.. And, living like there's no tomorrow. Joy.

To all my friends, and Mumbai,
Amen.

'Cause I Always Walk Alone..

On cold, winter nights, I often wake up, shivering in the dark, awake after a dream from yesteryear that's been haunting me every night. It's the same dream, the same message being relayed to me, time after time. I walk all alone in the cold, unseen white mist. The fog clogs the eyes, and all I trust at that unearthly moment is my feet, treading on unknown ground, knowing not what's next, or what just went by. I just continue to be gone with the wind..

But the run continues.. Never interrupted by something opaque, the dark, and I, continue into oblivion, running away from what is my not so trustworthy past that doesn't separate itself from my present. The thing with me is that I'm too critical of all things around me, myself included. That's a huge obstruction to my ever un-satiated quest for peace, serenity, tranquility. And that is what my past is, and that is exactly what my present is.. and that is what I imagine myself to be running away from, and that, as I have realised, is what I am still running into.

I see those hopes, and faiths at the end of the road, like the lights at the end of the tunnel, which they speak about only in gospels. I've learned that it's true, the story about the lights. But I've also learned a very dark truth alongwith it- and that even the gospels speak about this light from only the inner confines of the deep, dark, and lonely tunnel. Never have I known the unfortunate superbeing to actually reach the lighted destiny he sees. (He's never thought about the U-turn either- an easier, but improbable solution.) But then, what happens to the individual's existence? Does he stop progressing- does he stop, fall down, or reach the skies, considering that to be his final destination, or is he just too apprehensive about his forseeable institutionalisation? I think one of the Apostles should answer my querry? Maybe, the thirteenth? They have always seemed to please a myriad number of humans with their tales. But, one thing I do know is my reason for it. It's not that I've stopped, or fallen down or anything- it's the simple fear of change. Adaptation.

Generations have survived because of this seemingly easily understood concept. But, what about the tunnel that follows? Or the one after that? What goes around, comes around, right? We're playing with our lives here. It's no game of truth, and dare. Change is good, I know. But it's one of the many things I fear. I just slow down my pace. The chains of my past are heavy, and it's pulling me back, beating me down. I fear walking ahead, and I have no intention of "moving on". I'm yet another victim of my own past! Ha! The day I step out in those lights will probably be the day of Judgement, and I might as well be the dictator of Nazareth.

What I actually want, however is to reflect the lifestyles of a tape recorder. Yes! Just play the same old tape again, and again- watch my life played in reverse. Live once again, and tell my creators, "Yessir! I'm still alive!" Barring my recent past, my present past, and my own omnipresent present, my whole life has been as blissful as ignorance. That's all I crave for- live for the moments that are bygones, probably relive them as they were once upon a time, or enact them upon a different stage- knowing fully well that this won't be the case. A friend of mine (maybe not so much now- aah! The misfortunes!) had once suggested the best of solutions- escapism. I strongly rejected it, not accepting, and barely knowing that.. that was precisely my life story- escapism! I don't fear treading on unknown ground, as long as it's material, but the fears, sigh. I speak the truth, but the truth itself is something I evade when circumstances cause it to come crashing into me! Escapism! Escapism! Escapism! All I've ever done, and all I have risked with my friends for the sake of many a lost cause- only to lose it all out again!

But then, I don't think it's the right solution either- when am I not wrong? Ha! So I am fighting between the past chains, and the futuristic road, crushed by an equilibrium of inertia, that doesn't go either way! Existing in a two dimensional niche of space, and time, never living, never feeling. A note strikes my heart, weighs it down more, lowers me, and then reincarnates my urge, lifts me out of my self imposed stupor, and compels me from boring a hole in the ground- a point of no return. I'm going this way, I'm going direct the other way! The present period, aah! One would insist on it being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. Dickens is a good, good, teacher, aye! But before I equate myself with any of these great mortal literary gods of the classic times gone, I think I must suffer enough. And so I imagine this marvellous niche of space, and time all filled with the devil's woes.

DID I SWALLOW TWO APPLES?

So what, pray, is the reason for my writing this? I don't know, and you know why .. 'cause there isn't any reason. It's just a pure waste of time, just like my everyday life.. all for me to vent out all my heat, pressure, and frustration. Outlet, remember, Omega? Aah, yes! It all comes out in writing. Maybe it feels good to imagine that someone knows your strangest secret- aye! I just find a sedate pleasure in going through yesterday's gospel, the good, and the bad, comparing it with today's- cribbing, and revelling! That is why I shall never find any peace in whatever cycle I am a part of! Happyness is something we can only pursue, but never fully own. This criticism, and hugely inflated ego of mine wouldn't do a thing to rectify the aberrations 'cause frankly, I don't think I give a damn. And knowning that to be true, I go to bed, knowing that I have front row tickets to the end of myself, myself- the same heavy, detering dream.

The only change is this lovely article which does nothing but adds to the haunting corners that my life already possesses, and with this, I wish thee a good time, and good repose!

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.."

"After all, to-morrow is another day!"

[22/11/2009]

Omega - 1st January, 2010

So, here we are - entering a whole new phase with the breaking of a new decade, a new dawn. The last ten years were definitely fruitful, though it wasn't without its own share of downs, but one thing that we are all looking forward to is- what's kept us alive for centuries- learning from the past, and adapting to the present, to prepare for the future. The only present is the future. One thing I've sure learned is my love for writing. Above all things that I do, writing sure leads the way. So with this discovery, I've just about decided to begin the decade with my love, and here I am, releavling all (well, almost) to you. "I am the alpha!"

I'm leaving behind an entire saga, and moving on now. I began the last decade when I was just seven, just inducted into school- second grade. I ended the decade having turned seventeen, and the dusk, and the pinnacle of my adolescence, and a dawn for adulthood, and life as I shall now know it to be.

You know, as well as I, what all occured in these ten years. There were fights, fought in school, tears cried at home, problems had with friends, and memories withered. The likes, the likes. It was as good as life- as blissful as ignorance! Friends came, went, and then soon died out! My mother tells me it's a passing thing. And friends pass away, as easily as time. But the problem with us, is that we're too attached to things of the past- its chains pull us, and I give in without a fight. Memories. I don't see the light at the end. I just see the light at the back, from where I came, and weep in the darkness. So, with a new beginning, we're back to a start, and I swear to never fear or hesitate to tread on unknown ground. I shall treat the past, as past, and "Act, act, in the living present!"

As my friend puts it, "Let's start 2010 with a smile, and not a fight! :)" So here I am, sticking to words heard, and treating bygones, as bygones, and facing the next decade, and the rest of a tomorrow with optimism, sure that it can only be better than whatever I've learned, and known till today!

A friend of mine told me this, "Fight terror with terror." And the Father of the Nation taught me this, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." So where do we go from here? Do we helplessly continue to watch the teeming number of innocent civilians be slaughtered mercilessly at the hands of a bunch of 'God'-seeking terrorists? Or do we fight back?

Change is good.. It is what we need.. We need a different system prevailing here. We need people ruling over us who actually care, who don't seek votes, who are willing to die for the common man. We need people to rule over us who do more than just condemn such attacks and offer condolences and compensations. We need a Prophet to save and help us when we need it the most..

They say that religion would save us.. But just look what it gave us.. All this unjustified and indiscriminate killing and blood shedding. We need a Jesus Christ. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. We need peace. We need humanity to step up for the cause of billions. We want these barbaric acts to play the role of a wake up call to stop such terror attacks in the future. This stung us hard, right in the very heart of Mumbai and left many of us devastated. A rather easy situation to suggest would be to just form a new government to remove Terrorism. But the battle between the prevention and complete eradication of Terrorism in all totality is a highly debatable situation..

I'd say that Democracy is too weak to fight Terrorism. One goes, another comes.. Corruption in Politics can not be removed. And this might be a cliched sentence, but at the end of the day, it's we ourselves who have chosen them. Writing notes here and there and commenting on them don't really lead us anywhere. It might arouse the consciousness of a couple of users on these social-networking sites, it might move ourselves to self-pity, it might end up melting us and mourning for them now and then, but then.. DOES OUR MESSAGE REACH THE MASSES? And the self-evident answer is that the notes are going to be left to rot in sometime.. It'll be forgotten in no time at all. Another nefarious and heinous act would shift our focus soon enough. The 1993 Mumbai serial bomb blasts were bad enough! Did we think a similar situation would occur again? No, we didn't. We felt that it was time for the calm after the storm to prevail.. But oh well, then comes the Gujarat riots in 2001, the Twin Towers' travesty in the USA in 2001, the serial train bombs in 2006, the myriad number of serial blasts in Jaipur, Ahmedabad, Hyderabad, Bangalore, Delhi, Assam, and god knows where else!! These blasts will then be long forgotten.. No one's gonna think twice in the future! The case of the 1993 bomb blasts were solved just a few months back! What quick justice! We ourselves forget the intensity of the barbarity we experienced at the hands of these fiends.

Now let me ask you, HOW MANY OF YOU ARE GOING TO STEP UP INTO A WORLD TO CHANGE THE SOCIETY? Most of us are going to enter the Engineering and Medical and IT and Science and Marketing and Animation fields and all.. How many of you are going to enter Politics? How many of you are going to enter Law? How many of you are going to enter Journalism? The answer is NONE! None of us are going to choose the graver self-etched path. NONE! And that might pretty much explain the sad situation of our nation. *sigh* A friend of mine told me that I just don't care for the torture MY city is undergoing.. That really hit me hard, 'cause I do care. I might not make it seem evident, but I do care. I do shed tears of sorrow in the literal sense. If we can bring 'bout the change, then we can be the change as well..! Gandhiji had rightly remarked, "We must be the change we wish to see in the world." For this very reason, I am wanting to pursue a career in Law and Journalism. To change.., to do good, to make a difference.. Though the efforts of just one lawyer may seem very small for any amount of significant change, I firmly believe in the saying that "Drops of water make a sea"! Thus, I wish to be that one drop of water in this sea of misery and cleanse the country of all its difficulties and hardships! I sincerely believe I can change the world and I shall always strive forward to achieve this goal that I have set for myself!

I am a staunch believer in justice and I respect the freedom of each human being as an individual. Though the India of today is indeed an independent nation, the freedom fighters could however not restore freedom to each and every individual Indian citizen. Ever since we got freedom, India has been ravaged by various social, religious, political and economic evils. Corruption is at its peak and it has become a sin to do good in this nation. Everywhere, corruption is at its prominent best! The police-men, ministers, traders, businessmen and even the various authorities are very corrupt. This has made it impossible for any innocent to seek justice in the name of Law. Politics is synonymous with Corruption. It really is.

We are a sad bunch of people living in a sad world which is going from bad to worse. It's high time we make a move. This is the moment. It's now or never. We must be more than just a face in the crowd.. We got to stand up for our city, for our country, for the world, and for humanity at large..!! India now doesn't need a prescription; it needs a surgery! And YOU are the doctor! So get up and get going! In another four years from now, a similar incident shouldn't be a surprise for us! Mind you, this note of mine is not to force one into rushing to the Taj Hotel or the Oberoi Hotel or the Nariman House or anywhere.. with a gun in hand and saying 'Bharat Mata Ki Jai'; it's my personal opinion only to make you think over for once.. our move for the future.. How we introspect the situation and move into the future with a better hope..

The sad sights being displayed on television. The mere picture of the majestic heritage structure like the Taj, set on flames, left me feeling truly helpless. The Nariman House and the Oberoi-Trident hotels are now reported to be safe. But reports of the Taj holding some of the terrorists for nearly 60 hours comes as a huge disappointment to us. Only after 60 hours of gunfire, grenade attacks and numerous encounters here and there, has it all ended.. and I'd like to thank all those responsible for bringing the city under control. No words are enough to repay the debt. =)

The news of the ATS chief, Mr. Hemant Karkare and other reputed officers like Encounter specialist, Mr. Vijay Salaskar, ACP Mr. Ashok Kamte and the numerous others who have sacrificed themselves for our cause has left the whole world completely shell-shocked. The sounds of bomb blasts heard through the satellite fills me up with a fear, a fear of the unknown. Not knowing, who has succumbed to their wounds and suffered the ultimate in the form of death. =(

The sight of the various dead fills me up with a void, a void that I cannot describe in words. The blood stains strewn all across gives a ghastly look to my television set as well. It's fear, anger, frustration, sadness, etc., etc., etc. At this very moment that I express my heart out to you.. a countless number of people are being left totally shattered. Scared. The news of rounds of gunfire heard at the Taj Hotel deepens the void in me. Helpless.

According to an exclusive account by an eye-witness who was held as one of the hostages at the Taj, one of the NSG commandos has been reported to have said that we would take a bullet before it touches any one of you. My salute to each and every one of the brave hearts who have fought till their last breath.. No matter what we do, we can never repay them in any way, for what they are doing for us.. It does not embarrass me to be saying this that there are tears in my eyes this very moment that I speak my heart out..

My salutations as a Mumbaikar, as an Indian, but most importantly.. as a human, to the brave hearts who fought with true heart and soul, and the innocent victims who have died in this act of utter barbarism. They did not deserve this. No one does. May Heaven hold the souls of the faithful departed. May they rest in peace for all eternity.. =)

I hope my honest views help me pave our path into this world and etch out a living to help the society. Change the system. My motto is my goal: "... And Justice For All".

Thank you, yours faithfully..
Amen.

The Seven Circles

Change, change, change, everybody's changing.
The years change, the seasons pass,
And yet we want the same feel.
It's a fear: a fear of carrying the world on our shoulders;
The fear of growing up!

It is prudent to fear; change is inevitable.
Childhood's innocence yearns for eternity,
Striking out before even playing the game.
Walk on, with hope and you'll see-
You are you, and the world is your playground!

Begone from the womb, and soar like the eagle.
Remember not the days you wept in your mamma's arms,
Recall not the hours you sought your daddy's advice,
Those days are gone, those words are now yours.
Strive ahead and prove their faith!

Make not fear your accomplice. But, hope and faith.
What is fear? The only thing to fear is fear itself.
So defy younghood's past for curiosity's sake.
'cause yesterday is spent and done with.
And the only present is tomorrow.

And growing up, you learn- nothing is as imagined.
The flower you dreamed of is a thorn.
The waters, a whirlpool; and the skies, a storm.
And your boat tremors with the evils of life.
But, shiver not!
The difference is made only when you take the path less travelled by.
The tunnel is dark, the light shimmers at the end.

Your options diminishing, your pride shattering.
And you get to hear- Nazareth is sleeping.
To lie here under You..
And yet you move on, the light at the end still shining.
Driving you on to your fate; your meaning of life.

And crawling, weeping, dying, crawling,
Your path meets death with its end.
Not forgiving, unforgiving,
Embracing it in its enlightenment!
Like Jesus to a child..

'cause remember- Dying is a part of life.
Smiling, one must enter the light, seven times thus.
'cause smiling we wake up again,
In the dark of the womb,
From yesteryear's dream,
Again foolishly waiting for immortality..

"So arise, and unbuild it again!
And you'll be glad of another death."

[September 2009]