Calcutta '08 [Part I]

"So, Poopster, you tell me Calcutta sucks? Really?! I repeat.. you do not know that! At least, not unless you're forced to go into that wretched city by force, in the scorching heat of nearly 40* Celsius with the humidity touching 100%, to be educated by rat-smelling mongrels, and live in the midst of Patagonian savaging bashi-bazooks out there, who can consume nothing save the hell of a hurricane-tasting water that the soil of that terrible region provides, and of course, the "MAACH"! And before I forget.. the brilliant "ROSHOGOLAS"! Oh yeah!.. I'd rather have a Vada Pav! Thank you very much. :@ :(

:O

And that, my friend, is Calcutta, as I witnessed in the month of April 2008.. but nonetheless applicable at any time of the long and tiresome year. :|

I lost count of the number of times I cried out there. Was it 17? Or 18? I don't really know. I'm sure the only day in that city of cow-dung-smelling fishes when I didn't shed those misanthropic and melancholic tears of sorrow was TODAY! And you know why? I guess you do know that. 'cause I was returning back to Bombay!

*screaming an ecstatic yell of sheer joy mix'd with pure delight*

I woke up at 0630 hours today morning.. and all on my own; a record surely! I never woke up that early since the October of the year gone by, and I rejoiced at my already half-won battle of shortening my stay there! AND I DIDN'T CRY TODAY! The last step on that blistering jellyfish soil that I took was a leap onto the aeroplane escalator of the Jet Airways Flight No. 9W 212. I shall never forget the temporary, sorry, eternal debt that I owe to that very flight for having saved me.. my body.. my soul.. my everything.. getting me back to life.. the last step was a leap of a pang of bliss and satisfaction that I never felt before.. and in that moment of redemption, I sadistically stared back with the utmost disgust at the city which was supposed to be my "home"! (Yeah, right!)

But the story doesn't end here.. the goddamn flight was CURSED! :O Oh, yeah! I shouldn't have forgotten it.. taking off from my "home", the two winged jet bat made a collision with some unknown object on the runway just prior to leaving ground from the forsaken East.. It shook violently all through out.. and at the end of the journey, it was freaking hovering in circles over my HOME.. Bombay, yeah! For one freaking hour, it went round and round, reminding me of all the torture that I had already endured, and was still enduring.. silently.. angrily! Reminding me that I was away from my home, and reminding me that I would remain away for some more time to come. :( The take off gets delayed by 56 minutes, and now, oh god, oh; the landing gets delayed by 63 minutes! Oh, sweet Lord! Now that's not a co-incidence, right? My flight to my "home" wasn't as troublesome.. at least it had some sane roots.

But, oh, Sorrow, where have you led me?! :(

:O

* Cursed be the cockroach-looking fish-lovers and trawl seekers from the city of joy *

* Cursed be all their descendants to carry out their legacies *

* Cursed be me for being forced to bequeath that price *

* Cursed become you too for sharing a "home" with the traitors *"

Long List Of How It Hurts..

She was scared she was running late. She didn't live there anymore. Her home was far away.. One thousand, three hundred, eighty-seven kilometres away.. was the road that separated her birth and destiny. Yet, she returned.. Every once in a while, she needed to break free.. go back to where she was.. how she was.. what got her out of her mooned life, to play the piper's tune in an alien today. And now, she was back there in her birth of yesterday, playing a familiar tune.. not knowing how lost she was. She was scared she was running late. And he was angry that she was getting bored. He was her laughter, and he was her smiles. And it was he, who blamed her for getting bored in their presence. Aah, the hurt. The truth is.. he didn't care either. A happy chapter had closed, but she hadn't moved on yet. Just like every other girl, she was still lingering on..

But, the insensitive man that he was.. had to seep jealousy in. "Yes, running late to meet other 'interesting' friends." What sort of a world is this? She was crying for that day all her life.. The time when she would disappear forever, only to redeem herself periodically. But, the ones she disappeared from were still omnipresent, not knowing how badly it hurt.

'cause the truth is.. she had a friend's birthday party to attend. A friend who probably wasn't as close to her as he was.. but a friend nonetheless.. a friend she had known for longer, and a friend she had gotten used to seeing way more often. But, that all didn't hold the slightest significance in the aftermath of her disappearance. Why? 'cause she was all that was going wrong.. she was all the reason for the world to spin the wrong way.. she was the cause.. she was the event.. she was the catastrophe. And 'cause all the aberration was self-inflicted, no one else would bother about her either.

She was scared she was running late. She missed it by two hours, and before now, and before then.. she didn't complain even once. She was to be there at 4; she was there at 6.

He never realised.. the others didn't matter to her.. the others might 've been her friend for longer, her acquaintance for longer.. longer, but never deeper. He was all she was talking about. HIM! HE didn't want her there, HE wanted her to leave, HE wouldn't miss her if she wasn't around. It was all about HIM, and not what the rest of the world thought. She was dying for him to quit the diplomatic facade.. the farce of how she lived.. but, in truth, never existed. That's who she had become, that's who she had come around to believe.. and that's where she was then. Nowhere. She hurt inside, but not once did anyone find her raising a cry or complaint- she was happily surviving through it all. Happily.

And she stayed there till he asked her to leave.

She knew this then, as she knew this now.. if he'd asked her too, she would 've stayed. It was only when he explicitly told her to leave that she did. And no one quite knew why. But, the universe often speaks through us, and so it spoke through her.. 'cause it hurt her a lot when he said that. A lot. She kept a straight poker face, and quietly walked away with her music, after saying a queer goodbye to all, but it didn't end at that. And that's 'cause the hurt, it still remained. Till today, only one person had managed to decipher that poker face, and to say the truth, she found that rather strange, but comforting too. But, it wasn't to be him. She wanted him to call her back after she took her first step away from yesterday. Better still, she actually wanted to stay back. Elsewhere had to be gone, but deep within, status quo needed to be restored. Restitution. And she learned it the hard way.. the problem with restitution. The problem is that you try a li'l too hard to hold on to Yesterday, missing the joys of Today. And her dear, sweet Yesterday, as expected, was fluidly slipping away.. And she was still desperately clinging on.. still not letting go.. not one bit. Maybe she didn't want to, maybe she couldn't.. maybe she still wanted it to be a part of every step that she took.. But, that was totally one-sided.. They were all living, or rather, existing in different worlds.. And every past moment was a moment lost in a yesterday of nothingness. And she missed every bit of that. She tried to convince herself otherwise, but with every breath she took, awake or dead, she was still living in his past. And living two completely different, parallel lives, trying to balance both.. was a helluva task. And she was still doing just that.. Happily. Gladly. Desperately. Hopelessly. Sadly.

He was her best friend back in school. Was. That didn't make sense anymore. But, no matter how things changed, that one thing would always remain.

"No one can take Tomorrow away. It will come.. one day at a time.. What goes missing, what the good Lord takes away.. is Yesterday.. one day at a time.."

He didn't get her message. Sad life. You spend half a lifetime trying to get things across, and the other half facing a hit-back. Tsk.

"Do you know why did I ask you to leave? 'Cause for you, everyone existed except me. Did you even bother picking up my calls? Don't you give me that crappy excuse that you didn't pick up 'cause you didn't hear it. You picked up Chin's call but not mine. Wow. Why on earth did you start acting so weird? You had told me about Prasha before but wait, you had to tell only Chin. Sorry, if I was invading your privacy.. I already was pissed yest, but no you had to take my cell phone and piss me off even more. Then, if we are that boring and if your new friends are that interesting, you shouldn't have to meet people like us. You wanted fate to decide na. That means, you never really wanted to meet."

As I said, you spend half a lifetime trying to get things across.. and most of the times, they're still within you. Sad communication, really.

And she couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't. Recoil. "Oh, you know what? That's a bullshit reason for asking me to leave. It was plain rude, and that's that. I was fucking sleeping when you called, and next time I was taking a bath. And don't give me that bullshit of not answering calls. How many times 've you completely ignored my calls and messages? You're jus' too arrogant to accept this. Aah, now I wonder why you were pissed. Oh, wait! Maybe it had something to do with meeting me. Aah, guess it all makes perfect sense to me now. You're right, actually. I never wanted to meet you. And you know why? 'cause the last time I was 'ere, I learned but one thing.. You people aren't interested in meeting me. And YOU are all too engrossed in your new college bullshit to even answer my calls, or reply to my messages. But, no.. You're not going to accept this.. You're going to be a bitch, and come up with a hundred more arguments. And I always thought you would be the one person who'd understand me."

She begged him, but he never got her message. He was supposed to compromise, not shout back. He was supposed to understand the hurt. Understand.

But, he continued with the ignoring..

Ignoring..

Long last! "Will sorry suffice?" "Sorry. I am sorry u dont understand me. I am sorry u always judge me wrongly. I am tired of explaining to you..but you never get me so chuck."

And she smiled.

He wasn't bothered.

And I smiled again, and bid farewell.

"Goodbye, Yesterday."

Homecoming To Country Roads [Part I]

"Life is old there; older than the trees.. Younger than the mountains, growing like a breeze."

The best thing about surprises is that they come when you least expect them. That morning, when I woke up, I had no idea the day would turn out the way it did, and now, going down those country roads again, it gets teardrops in my eyes.

9th September. My parents took a train from Bombay, on their way to Delhi. They had to meet one of my teachers, hand over some of my stuff, and most importantly, make me feel home in an (?)alien world, and cure me of my-bl#h-err, (?)h0m#$1ckneS$. That night, we had an informal meeting in our common room. As we spoke, our temperatures kept rising, and the infestation kept spreading, and word was passed around that an informal leave was to be granted to all students as a precautionary measure. All this, after another got the fatal virus, and had to be sent for treatment. Quarantine. Stirred, but not shaken, I called my family, and for the first time since the outbreak, told 'em 'bout the epidemic. Nerved.

10th September. I went to sleep late at 5, but still managed to wake up by 9- just in time for college. More than half our batch had run away. Eloped, with the fear in their souls guiding 'em to yesterday's security. I decided to miss the first class, and attend the rest of the fateful day in retrospection. Thoughtful contemplation. After a bath, I bagged up, and reached college, just in time for our second lecture, only to learn that classes were temporarily suspended for the day. Wasted.

Rewind to the past. The situation in our college was a grave one. Dengue, swine flu, influenza, viral fever, et al cases were rising in Delhi, and the open drain beside our hostels provided a welcome breeding ground for the plagued mosquitoes. It was only a matter of time till we would catch the disease too. Everyday, new cases were being reported, and people were getting admitted to the hospital. Some in the heat of the sun, some during the peak of the night. A senior got admitted to the hospital with swine flu. Another felt the heat, and escaped. And at least fifty others were down with influenza, seasonal flu, and showing symptoms of the five who caught the ultimate. Down with the sickness.

8th September. My neighbour came to my room, and the piece of shit that he is, started hugging everyone around. Hug, hug, hug, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, chuuuuuu! Swine flu: Hospitalised, at 0230hours.

Forward, forward! 10th September, 1000hours. All of us sat at the canteen, zombie-d. My parents had reached Delhi, and were on their way to meet me in college in a couple of hours. Telecommunication was fighting its way out as the best mode of conversation, as calls were frantically being made to our over-frantic parents. The doctor was called urgently to conduct preliminary tests for the flu. Everyone kept reporting to the doctor in fear. Safe, not Sorry. The sneezes, and coughs kept getting louder, and the cure was being fumigated around campus. Many of us had to be rushed to hospital for a secondary check up. Rumour had it that the college would be shut for a week, but with our Vice-Chancellor away battling intra-state issues elsewhere, no official word could be confirmed. Our Warden remained in denial, and a senior teacher replied in the joyous affirmative. Confusion, confusion! And yet, there could be no pen to paper.

We sat there for four hours, feasting on all that our canteen had to offer, and talking, walking, and eating faster, hoping it'd make time fly faster too. And then, as they say, at the end of a long wait, it's always worth it. The proctor had declared that college would be shut for a week, which, alongwith the weekend, made it ten whole days. 1500hours- I rushed to my room, and called my parents, and told 'em that my flight tickets were booked for that evening. And so, they wouldn't be able to meet me in college, and that I wouldn't be able to meet 'em at their guest-house either. Also, I wouldn't be returning with 'em 'cause the entire Mumbai gang was going in a group. A minute later, I called a fellow Mumbai-kar to change my lie into the truth, and actually book those return tickets. She called her father back home, and got tickets booked for 1720hours, which meant that we would 've to leave the campus by 1530hours, latest. Having to time to choose what to carry, and pack accordingly, I dumped all that I had into my ever-so-big travel bag, charged my in-a-coma cell phone, and laptop, and with a forty kilogram assistant, ran towards the canteen.

Misfortune strikes. On reaching the canteen, I learnt that we didn't secure tickets for the flight at 1720hours, but for the one at 1950hours, which meant that the long wait was not yet over. I kept my luggage at the canteen steps, and ran to the Academic Block to get my Leave Application signed. That done, we all met at the canteen again, where I begun to charge my cell-phone, and now in-a-coma laptop. Wait, wait, wait.. It was soon time for Sheda, and Razm to leave for their flight, and the chivalrous gentleman that I am, helped 'em carry all their luggage to the main gate.

Strangely, as they left, I felt this intensified sense of belonging to the place.. to all my friends there. When I was there, I wanted to be back home with every breath I took.. but in those last few moments, I could feel a part of me wanting to stay back. And when I thought about it, I realised, it was not just a part, but one entire half, and coming to think of it, my better half. I probably wouldn't realise it then, or maybe I was too reluctant to, but in those six short weeks, I'd spent an entire lifetime there. And as a friend had told me.. "This was just the beginning.. of everything.", I learnt that my tomorrow had already begun.. today. Walking back with Chid, I couldn't believe I'd gotten so deeply associated with the place already. But that's where I was, so yeah.

After Chid and I reached the canteen, we were joined by my fellow Mumbai-kar friend, Stew. In a li'l while, Sabm, and Sanku came there, hands full of luggage, and hired a cab to take us all to the airport. Meanwhile, I'd learnt that my parents were also at the airport to meet me for a saintly five minutes, reminisce, and hand over some of my belongings. After dropping Sanku at his terminal, we exited the airport, and re-entered the airport to enter Terminal 1-A. I met my parents after six whole weeks, and insensitive though it may sound, I realised that I didn't really miss 'em much. I was dying to get back home.. to get back to the comfort of my bed.. and to take in that free smell of that city, but when it came to my family, I was still blank. We spoke for a couple of minutes, and my parents handed over my overdue belongings, and after a few (?)departing hugs, I took leave.. inside the terminal building, with my passport to freedom, with my ticket to home..

After the routine check in, et al, we three sat at the waiting room, and ordered some food from the McDonalds over there. I logged on to the internet for a brief while, kept texting Chid, and enjoyed the sanctity that homecoming music had to offer. Sabm's flight had started to board, and he left.. to his own sense of belonging.. Bangalore. In a brief while, our boarding also begun, and chivalry guiding, I led the way to our escape.

I shall never forget the temporary debt that I owe to our flight for having saved me.. my body.. my soul.. my everything.. The last step was a huge leap.. with a pang of bliss, and satisfaction shooting within me.. reminding me that I'd soon be.. coming back to life. All I could feel then was relief.. homecoming after six weeks in a seemingly alien world. The rain set in at my home, and I could still hear my footsteps from back there. The rain might blow away my candles there, but the legends never will. And it was to that love of yesterday, and chains of joy that I was returning. I didn't 've too many thoughts then.. probably, none. The only thing gushing in and out, were feelings.. memories that would never die out. Pieces of our past that remind us to pave our way for a better tomorrow.

I was messaging Chid, and Rasin, and had to play parallel lives, showing Chid how happy I was at going back, and showing Rasin how I missed Bombay, and how badly I wanted to be back. Aah, my trick wasn't caught. A li'l later, when the flight was about to take off, I told Rasin that I was a li'l busy, and that I'd text her in a while. The truth is: you don't get network in the sky, but yeah, it worked well enough. Back in the aeroplane, Stew stole my window seat, and for the first time in my life, I had to surrender my beloved window seat. Chivalry, tch tch. I sat beside a seventy-six year ol' man, who liked to converse a lot, quite evidently. We had quite a bit of conversation during our journey, and I learned half his life story in a mere two hours, and if I may add, vice-versa. And before I forget, as fate would 've it, our legends never die.. his grandson was a student of a Gujarati school in Juhu. Ka-boom! JNS, aye! Small world, ay, o! "Man meets grandson's senior" would be a worthy first page tabloid story, so said he. (In any case, MM seems to be having an inseparable affinity for our school!)

And then the awkward silence.. the long pause of surrender.. Music be our master, our master to save us! And hearing one of those "Coming home" songs, it struck me as though a bolt of thunder had lit the flying machine I was travelling in! It was Ganpati season in Maharashtra! And Mumbai would be revelling in party, everyone in unison, to welcome its deity! The streets would be happening, and the people would be chanting.. it was THE time to be back home. To add to it all, it was the weekend- and all my friends would be back home too! Some for Ganpati, some for the two day waiver- but that wouldn't matter.. what did was that they would all be there. Home! The very thought of it filled me with so much excitement that I was willing to jump off our manned jet, and fly back to Mumbai myself.. faster than that piece of engine!

After all, there's no place like home.. Home is where the heart is.. and so, all of yesterday kept coming back to me! No one was expecting me back home for another twenty days, and I'd already started making plans of surprising my friends. This, that, boom! I'd promised myself.. that someday, I would go back to my dream village, and reminisce the good ol' days, and on the road to my destiny, I was chalking each and every move of mine in animated joy!

Our flight luckily didn't 've any delay problems, and in a good two hours, we could see the Mumbai horizon. I was so excited to not miss a single moment of my city that Stew and I were actually sharing the same window seat! If not for the seat belt, I'd probably 've broken through the window, and done a crash landing into Thane Creek. Aah, thank god for air travel precautionary measures. At 2215hours, we marked our entry into a 28*C atmosphere of home, and when I left the confines of the air-conditioned air plane, into the blue-skin smell of belonging, with a slight shower overhead, I recalled the wise man's words about the smell of the different air: the worst good smell in the world.. And, I knew it then, as I know it now.. I was home, recalled to life.

War And Peace

WAR BETWEEN NATIONS IS INEVITABLE.
[19th November, 2008].


"What kind of victory is it when someone is left defeated? What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy. What is a war criminal? Was not war itself a crime against God and humanity, and, therefore, were not all those who sanctioned, engineered and conducted wars, war criminals? The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. Non-cooperation with evil is a sacred duty." - Gandhi.


One of the most feared consequences of a war today is that it may lead to a third world war, which in turn, might destroy all of humanity. It is quite wrong to say that wars between nations are inevitable. It has been more than sixty years since a major travesty occurred on the international front- in the form of the Second World War during 1939 - 1945. Since then, a myriad number of peace talks have been held between various parties to curb wars. The United Nations Organisation, formed after the Second World War, has done its level best to prevent the advent of another world war, and has achieved complete success!

If the question is asked: Why do we need wars? Are they necessary? Can you give any sort of justification for the lives of millions being consumed in the name of war? Then, you'll undoubtedly find yourself speechless, with no answer to give!

I am of the opinion that wars are nothing but an ostentatious way of proving a nation's military strength. The more wars a nation wins does not make any difference to its international war power. On the other hand, it totally cripples a teeming number of people for life, kills a lot more, and weakens the nation's economy and military strength. But most of all, the biggest blow is to the nations' morality, ethics, and civic sense.

Today, the U.N., situated in New York, helps in maintaining international peace, security, harmony, and co-operation. One of its principles, enshrined in its doctrine, states that "all member nations must respect each other's independence". It is with this view that Imperialism, and Fascism are no longer in existence, and Democracy is carving its way out as the most sought after form of Government in the world.

Peace talks are held in plenty between nations these days, as diplomats are sent from one country to another to attend international peace forums. Ambassadors are sent overseas to other nations to initiate and etch out a relationship of friendship between nations. All of this is being done just to facilitate peace on the international front!

The Father Of The Nation, Mahatma Gandhi had once said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." Being vindictive will not get you anywhere. Taking revenge on another nation will weaken both the nations, and this in turn will make "the whole world blind". Mahatma Gandhi, the pillar behind the Indian freedom struggle, proved to the world that it requires non-violence, and truth to settle any dispute, A war will never lead you anywhere. The principles of "Satyagraha", and "Ahimsa" followed by Gandhiji were considered weak and puny by many, but that was what shook the British Empire to its very foundation, and ultimately gave us freedom from the British.

This is a classic epitome of how how a war can be avoided. Patience, benevolence, truth, and love are the attributes of the strong; just as violence is of the weak. Such was Gandhiji's contribution to world peace that the U.N. now recognises the 2nd of October, Gandhi Jayanti, as the "International Day of Non-Violence".

Albert Einstein once remarked, "I don't know what weapons will be used during the Third World War; but I do know that the Fourth World War will be fought with sticks, and stones." It is high time we realise that the most efficient tool we possess is love, and truth. It is something that can move even the hardest of souls towards redemption. We must not leave ourselves so impoverished that we are left with nothing but sticks, and stones in the future; that we are back to the start.

A war is just a nefarious way of settling a dispute. It is a fight that has no soul. The weak fight; the strong compromise. The power to start or end a war lies with the warring nations, and thus it would be unwarranted to say that it is inevitable since a nation could end a war at her own free will.

All the killing, and blood-spilling in the past should serve as a landmark reminder for our future. We must honour, and respect the integrity of each nation's individuality, and avoid wars at all costs.

This very much answers the question for the need of wars. And the answer is that it is totally un-required! Thus I'd say that wars between nations are not inevitable, and therefore we should avoid any form of violence.

Spread peace instead!

Out Of The Silent Planet

"It had always been my dream to live beyond the horizon, in a world of freedom, hiding behind some celestial body, so the sharp embers of our world never touch me."

This celestial body, one barred with infinite rules, restricting our movement, exists in a framework where our insides have no space, and no limit to responsibly maintain ourselves either. A week gone, and a normal day here bears no fruit. Nothing sweet, at least.. The early morning rituals with the smell killing the sense of it- unbearable. A walk to the coolness of the air, and seven hours of wandering, lost.. Only to return back to the inevitable store house, and departing to make myself feel at home in someone else's. No belonging, no belonging..

I stand here now, all by myself, overlooking that horizon from a different direction, looking back on that yesterday, and contemplating, weighing the pros and cons, and being balanced, manipulating the former to outweigh the latter; to force upon today, a sense of bitterness..

It's funny how the demons of yesterday look at this horizon. They look like they were always a part of me, and trust me, they always were. And living these parallel lives, trying to balance a touch of destiny, and history, while making the tryst with both.. isn't easy. The task at hand is of that of matching one demon's dusk to another's dawn, trying to find a way out of this silent planet we've been chained to, slipping away into oblivion, into the minds of fate we had created for ourselves. Losing grip on our path- the path with very high walls.. so high that it actually allows a limitless, and seamless resurrection from within.

Thus, never at home, roaming around in dark, closed corridors- still slipping, still forgetting- calling upon the dark demon's dying breath- inducing many others to believe in its gratitude, creating a road for my own self- very different from a long lost promise made to a friend- a promise to lower down the walls of disguise, a promise to publicly beautify the world with my own conscience, a promise to privately scar my face. What people assume, (assume!) is that a joker has reached his circus.. and his show has finally begun.. The only reason for his being is the jokes, the laughter, the fun- all at the expense of peers, and fellow teachers. And the bricks in the wall just lining up, higher, and higher.. Another one in this long chain of deceit...

Trying to curb a story with the makeshift residents of this new found burning existence, debating in the coffined while light of the middle world, and to lay your stakes on the roll of a die. The only story that ends with some frolic includes the walling of my own countenance, the beauty of it being hidden by all the misty smoke of fun that leaves no path to cross.

It's the same ol' story as yesterday, with a lot of apprehension. The same ol' fear of the unknown- with the hyperactivity deviating, and I daresay, destroying the purpose of our tryst-worthy existence- destroying the purpose of the door we passed to enter, and forgetting the way we were meant to exit it, at the pinnacle of foolishness- only to feel life getting out of hand, for the worse. Probably, what they say about the ascending feel is true, or maybe it is a parabola, it might peak on its way down. Maybe.. Just maybe.. and it's getting all cloudy now.

On a longer, and lighter futuristic note, I would picture myself in bed, early morning- with a cup of coffee (not tea!) in one hand, and newspaper in the other. My grandson holding another, pulling me out, and calling upon me to join him in his lighted fate. Granddaughter polishing my feet, and privately nourishing the implicit meaning of her own life at my behest. With not a worry anymore, and having two generations following, and the lineage protected, I would feel satiated. My own progeny, gushing through work, the early morning brunch, and the E/FT at one blurry go. I'll laugh at his fate, and remember my own civil torture- decades ago- during an age where we spent all our life living on a prayer, and everything built on chance, and hope- luck, no courage, and a desire for constancy. The sadism reflected in the same coloured eyes, with the pleasure of it all being nothing more than self-inflicted torture.. but the feel is to last a lifetime's frustration. Salvation.

“Sometimes, we create walls of disguise.. not to keep people away from us; but to see how many of ‘em care enough.. to break them down, and reach out to us...”

The Day That Was. :)

"The Day That Was. A great day for freedom. Free to play alone with time. Evening never come."

21st July, 2010: I have exactly eight days left over here: My city, my home.. I'm nervously waiting for the day of Judgement. A li'l excited, a li'l scared.

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else... A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."

What happened today, changed everything.. It was a great day for freedom.

I woke up relatively early today, and did my usual getting-up routine. I read up on some history, and waited for the day to take its own course. Moment. I got a call from a friend, asking me to call him back immediately. I did that. It was a conference with my oldest two friends. We randomly decided to meet up, and roam around. A place was fixed, and a time, chosen. The danger: we had to go about informing/warning/coaxing our parents.

At 1430hours, the day was merely taking a randomly perfect course. We had a snack at an eatery, and sat there chalking a path for us to walk on for the next few hours. We were free to play alone with time..

We soon left, and went to the nearest railway station, and caught the first train to the last stop in South Bombay. We made a couple of prank calls to some mutual friends, to pass the thirty minute train journey. It was random, but fun. Laughing our asses off, making noises, and getting embarrassed in the public eye. It was random, but fun.

At long last, the train crawled into our designated platform, and we disembarked. We decided to walk the way to the Gateway of India in Colaba, taking in the myriad sights the area had to offer, lane by lane.. A long walk, we got tired at the end of it.

The sight of the sea spurred us back to our souls.. We reached the Gateway of India, a monument, set against the backdrop of the Arabian Sea, lying underneath a dark, cloudy sky, ready to unleash its horror without warning. The Taj Hotels, standing the test of time, and terror, majestically towering over the monument. British Raj structures- we saw it all.

The Ringing Of The Division Bell Has Begun..

"I'll show you what it's like.. to be the last one standing.."

I moved to Bombay when I was barely ten months old. I couldn't walk, and crawling was the only way to my freedom. It's been seventeen years since I first walked within those very four walls of my home, stood on my feet, ready to face the world.. and now seventeen years hence, I'm back to where I started. Crawling. The only difference being that I'm on my way out. Out to face the world, out to stand on my feet, this time, for real. No parental support, no teacher standing up to me. Friends I grew up with.. withering away, all forgotten like some distant memory I saw in last night's dream. I'm crawling my way out to that distance.. the distance that'll separate us all, and the very thought fills me up with cynicism. Fear.

The truth is I'm scared. Honestly, I'm scared. I'm not afraid of moving ahead, and meeting new people, making new friends, exploring the world outside. I'm afraid of losing out on yesteryear in the process. "Rosebud." A few years later, I might realise that the only time in my life when I was happy, really happy.. content.. was in those seventeen years. A time with no strings attached. No hatred, no jealousy. Just pure joy, as blissful as ignorance. Probably, running hand in hand with my first friend, falling down, getting hurt, and being knocked unconscious, was the best feeling I ever had. Maybe, laughing with them, taunting the others, and feeling free, actually meant something special. Growing up, this acquaintance develops into friendship, and this friendship into brotherhood. Bliss.

Then there were girls. Lust, or whatever you call desire.. "Appreciation of physical beauty in its raw form is one of the most natural of all human tendencies. It electrifies our senses, makes them come alive." The cause for many a fight. I've been through it all. Made friends, and lost better ones, in this war for vanity. Trust deceieved, love betrayed, and a jaded past. Ultimately, it all comes down to nothing.. Nothing, but a memory you'll regret all your life. Where, oh where could it 've possibly gone wrong? Why, oh why! Hurt.

The older we grow, the more we learn.. and the more we learn.. the worse we become. Our seven deadly sins get moulded to combat the world, and that's where cynicism comes in play. The world is a dirty place, and the dirt shapes ourselves for an uncertain tomorrow. Fear.

The last few weeks in this place are the worst. I stand here, falsely believing that I'm strong.. strong enough to face the disappearance of many a good memory. Strong enough to watch everyone leave, and be the last one standing. I look around, I see him leave. I look the other way, I see her leave.. and I see that She just does not care. "Passing phase," She says. "Come, and go.." I continue to believe that I shall be strong enough to take it all. It had always been my dream to live beyond the horizon, in a world of freedom, hiding behind some celestial body, so the sharp embers of the world never touch me. I look forward to it all, but the truth of the truth comes crashing down on me, and consumes me in slow decay. Seeing everyone depart, and being the last one to depart.. withers me. Sigh, vanity. The truth is.. I can't take it. I attend all the goodbyes, and see the tears shed. Probably shed a few myself, and still believe in my strength. I am what I choose to be. I choose to be strong, but my insides, like some cookie, crumble. And, when you're the last individual left, your yesterday, tomorrow, and today seem totally futile all of a sudden, like a lost cause in a battle. Lost.

Not being there with your friends when you should be, stings me. I'm moving away into a new world, a new tomorrow awaits me.. A world where I'll live for five whole years, an entire life might be lost in that time, and by the time I return (if ever!), I might not even be myself to return. I'll be taking all my own decisions, and probably never wanting to return to this city that I've grown up in, this city that has taught me to see the world with my own eyes, this city that has taught me to live. Many years later, you might remember this guy who used to talk, and laugh with every awake breath.. you might remember how much he would give to see the world at peace.. you might remember how much he would laze around, and yet do anything to make you believe in yourself. But, it wouldn't matter, 'cause that guy would then be dead, and a new slave for money would be born. A slave who is taught to fight for nothing but himself, who has to subdue his own ethics to survive in his world, and trust the law more than morality, to continue walking on his chosen path. Again, fear.

I pursue happyness, but I fail to realise that with every step forward, every word said, I'm moving away, far away from my desires. I might be free in many ways in my new world, but I shall never be happy. I'm moving away from all that was joy to me, from all that loved me, and from all that I loved.. And as a friend puts it.. "I cannot promise you that we'll be friends forever, but I can promise you that I shall never forget you." I hope many years later, we meet again someday.. somewhere in the corners of a dream village, and reminisce the times we spent laughing, and talking.. And, living like there's no tomorrow. Joy.

To all my friends, and Mumbai,
Amen.

'Cause I Always Walk Alone..

On cold, winter nights, I often wake up, shivering in the dark, awake after a dream from yesteryear that's been haunting me every night. It's the same dream, the same message being relayed to me, time after time. I walk all alone in the cold, unseen white mist. The fog clogs the eyes, and all I trust at that unearthly moment is my feet, treading on unknown ground, knowing not what's next, or what just went by. I just continue to be gone with the wind..

But the run continues.. Never interrupted by something opaque, the dark, and I, continue into oblivion, running away from what is my not so trustworthy past that doesn't separate itself from my present. The thing with me is that I'm too critical of all things around me, myself included. That's a huge obstruction to my ever un-satiated quest for peace, serenity, tranquility. And that is what my past is, and that is exactly what my present is.. and that is what I imagine myself to be running away from, and that, as I have realised, is what I am still running into.

I see those hopes, and faiths at the end of the road, like the lights at the end of the tunnel, which they speak about only in gospels. I've learned that it's true, the story about the lights. But I've also learned a very dark truth alongwith it- and that even the gospels speak about this light from only the inner confines of the deep, dark, and lonely tunnel. Never have I known the unfortunate superbeing to actually reach the lighted destiny he sees. (He's never thought about the U-turn either- an easier, but improbable solution.) But then, what happens to the individual's existence? Does he stop progressing- does he stop, fall down, or reach the skies, considering that to be his final destination, or is he just too apprehensive about his forseeable institutionalisation? I think one of the Apostles should answer my querry? Maybe, the thirteenth? They have always seemed to please a myriad number of humans with their tales. But, one thing I do know is my reason for it. It's not that I've stopped, or fallen down or anything- it's the simple fear of change. Adaptation.

Generations have survived because of this seemingly easily understood concept. But, what about the tunnel that follows? Or the one after that? What goes around, comes around, right? We're playing with our lives here. It's no game of truth, and dare. Change is good, I know. But it's one of the many things I fear. I just slow down my pace. The chains of my past are heavy, and it's pulling me back, beating me down. I fear walking ahead, and I have no intention of "moving on". I'm yet another victim of my own past! Ha! The day I step out in those lights will probably be the day of Judgement, and I might as well be the dictator of Nazareth.

What I actually want, however is to reflect the lifestyles of a tape recorder. Yes! Just play the same old tape again, and again- watch my life played in reverse. Live once again, and tell my creators, "Yessir! I'm still alive!" Barring my recent past, my present past, and my own omnipresent present, my whole life has been as blissful as ignorance. That's all I crave for- live for the moments that are bygones, probably relive them as they were once upon a time, or enact them upon a different stage- knowing fully well that this won't be the case. A friend of mine (maybe not so much now- aah! The misfortunes!) had once suggested the best of solutions- escapism. I strongly rejected it, not accepting, and barely knowing that.. that was precisely my life story- escapism! I don't fear treading on unknown ground, as long as it's material, but the fears, sigh. I speak the truth, but the truth itself is something I evade when circumstances cause it to come crashing into me! Escapism! Escapism! Escapism! All I've ever done, and all I have risked with my friends for the sake of many a lost cause- only to lose it all out again!

But then, I don't think it's the right solution either- when am I not wrong? Ha! So I am fighting between the past chains, and the futuristic road, crushed by an equilibrium of inertia, that doesn't go either way! Existing in a two dimensional niche of space, and time, never living, never feeling. A note strikes my heart, weighs it down more, lowers me, and then reincarnates my urge, lifts me out of my self imposed stupor, and compels me from boring a hole in the ground- a point of no return. I'm going this way, I'm going direct the other way! The present period, aah! One would insist on it being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. Dickens is a good, good, teacher, aye! But before I equate myself with any of these great mortal literary gods of the classic times gone, I think I must suffer enough. And so I imagine this marvellous niche of space, and time all filled with the devil's woes.

DID I SWALLOW TWO APPLES?

So what, pray, is the reason for my writing this? I don't know, and you know why .. 'cause there isn't any reason. It's just a pure waste of time, just like my everyday life.. all for me to vent out all my heat, pressure, and frustration. Outlet, remember, Omega? Aah, yes! It all comes out in writing. Maybe it feels good to imagine that someone knows your strangest secret- aye! I just find a sedate pleasure in going through yesterday's gospel, the good, and the bad, comparing it with today's- cribbing, and revelling! That is why I shall never find any peace in whatever cycle I am a part of! Happyness is something we can only pursue, but never fully own. This criticism, and hugely inflated ego of mine wouldn't do a thing to rectify the aberrations 'cause frankly, I don't think I give a damn. And knowning that to be true, I go to bed, knowing that I have front row tickets to the end of myself, myself- the same heavy, detering dream.

The only change is this lovely article which does nothing but adds to the haunting corners that my life already possesses, and with this, I wish thee a good time, and good repose!

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.."

"After all, to-morrow is another day!"

[22/11/2009]

Omega - 1st January, 2010

So, here we are - entering a whole new phase with the breaking of a new decade, a new dawn. The last ten years were definitely fruitful, though it wasn't without its own share of downs, but one thing that we are all looking forward to is- what's kept us alive for centuries- learning from the past, and adapting to the present, to prepare for the future. The only present is the future. One thing I've sure learned is my love for writing. Above all things that I do, writing sure leads the way. So with this discovery, I've just about decided to begin the decade with my love, and here I am, releavling all (well, almost) to you. "I am the alpha!"

I'm leaving behind an entire saga, and moving on now. I began the last decade when I was just seven, just inducted into school- second grade. I ended the decade having turned seventeen, and the dusk, and the pinnacle of my adolescence, and a dawn for adulthood, and life as I shall now know it to be.

You know, as well as I, what all occured in these ten years. There were fights, fought in school, tears cried at home, problems had with friends, and memories withered. The likes, the likes. It was as good as life- as blissful as ignorance! Friends came, went, and then soon died out! My mother tells me it's a passing thing. And friends pass away, as easily as time. But the problem with us, is that we're too attached to things of the past- its chains pull us, and I give in without a fight. Memories. I don't see the light at the end. I just see the light at the back, from where I came, and weep in the darkness. So, with a new beginning, we're back to a start, and I swear to never fear or hesitate to tread on unknown ground. I shall treat the past, as past, and "Act, act, in the living present!"

As my friend puts it, "Let's start 2010 with a smile, and not a fight! :)" So here I am, sticking to words heard, and treating bygones, as bygones, and facing the next decade, and the rest of a tomorrow with optimism, sure that it can only be better than whatever I've learned, and known till today!

A friend of mine told me this, "Fight terror with terror." And the Father of the Nation taught me this, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." So where do we go from here? Do we helplessly continue to watch the teeming number of innocent civilians be slaughtered mercilessly at the hands of a bunch of 'God'-seeking terrorists? Or do we fight back?

Change is good.. It is what we need.. We need a different system prevailing here. We need people ruling over us who actually care, who don't seek votes, who are willing to die for the common man. We need people to rule over us who do more than just condemn such attacks and offer condolences and compensations. We need a Prophet to save and help us when we need it the most..

They say that religion would save us.. But just look what it gave us.. All this unjustified and indiscriminate killing and blood shedding. We need a Jesus Christ. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. We need peace. We need humanity to step up for the cause of billions. We want these barbaric acts to play the role of a wake up call to stop such terror attacks in the future. This stung us hard, right in the very heart of Mumbai and left many of us devastated. A rather easy situation to suggest would be to just form a new government to remove Terrorism. But the battle between the prevention and complete eradication of Terrorism in all totality is a highly debatable situation..

I'd say that Democracy is too weak to fight Terrorism. One goes, another comes.. Corruption in Politics can not be removed. And this might be a cliched sentence, but at the end of the day, it's we ourselves who have chosen them. Writing notes here and there and commenting on them don't really lead us anywhere. It might arouse the consciousness of a couple of users on these social-networking sites, it might move ourselves to self-pity, it might end up melting us and mourning for them now and then, but then.. DOES OUR MESSAGE REACH THE MASSES? And the self-evident answer is that the notes are going to be left to rot in sometime.. It'll be forgotten in no time at all. Another nefarious and heinous act would shift our focus soon enough. The 1993 Mumbai serial bomb blasts were bad enough! Did we think a similar situation would occur again? No, we didn't. We felt that it was time for the calm after the storm to prevail.. But oh well, then comes the Gujarat riots in 2001, the Twin Towers' travesty in the USA in 2001, the serial train bombs in 2006, the myriad number of serial blasts in Jaipur, Ahmedabad, Hyderabad, Bangalore, Delhi, Assam, and god knows where else!! These blasts will then be long forgotten.. No one's gonna think twice in the future! The case of the 1993 bomb blasts were solved just a few months back! What quick justice! We ourselves forget the intensity of the barbarity we experienced at the hands of these fiends.

Now let me ask you, HOW MANY OF YOU ARE GOING TO STEP UP INTO A WORLD TO CHANGE THE SOCIETY? Most of us are going to enter the Engineering and Medical and IT and Science and Marketing and Animation fields and all.. How many of you are going to enter Politics? How many of you are going to enter Law? How many of you are going to enter Journalism? The answer is NONE! None of us are going to choose the graver self-etched path. NONE! And that might pretty much explain the sad situation of our nation. *sigh* A friend of mine told me that I just don't care for the torture MY city is undergoing.. That really hit me hard, 'cause I do care. I might not make it seem evident, but I do care. I do shed tears of sorrow in the literal sense. If we can bring 'bout the change, then we can be the change as well..! Gandhiji had rightly remarked, "We must be the change we wish to see in the world." For this very reason, I am wanting to pursue a career in Law and Journalism. To change.., to do good, to make a difference.. Though the efforts of just one lawyer may seem very small for any amount of significant change, I firmly believe in the saying that "Drops of water make a sea"! Thus, I wish to be that one drop of water in this sea of misery and cleanse the country of all its difficulties and hardships! I sincerely believe I can change the world and I shall always strive forward to achieve this goal that I have set for myself!

I am a staunch believer in justice and I respect the freedom of each human being as an individual. Though the India of today is indeed an independent nation, the freedom fighters could however not restore freedom to each and every individual Indian citizen. Ever since we got freedom, India has been ravaged by various social, religious, political and economic evils. Corruption is at its peak and it has become a sin to do good in this nation. Everywhere, corruption is at its prominent best! The police-men, ministers, traders, businessmen and even the various authorities are very corrupt. This has made it impossible for any innocent to seek justice in the name of Law. Politics is synonymous with Corruption. It really is.

We are a sad bunch of people living in a sad world which is going from bad to worse. It's high time we make a move. This is the moment. It's now or never. We must be more than just a face in the crowd.. We got to stand up for our city, for our country, for the world, and for humanity at large..!! India now doesn't need a prescription; it needs a surgery! And YOU are the doctor! So get up and get going! In another four years from now, a similar incident shouldn't be a surprise for us! Mind you, this note of mine is not to force one into rushing to the Taj Hotel or the Oberoi Hotel or the Nariman House or anywhere.. with a gun in hand and saying 'Bharat Mata Ki Jai'; it's my personal opinion only to make you think over for once.. our move for the future.. How we introspect the situation and move into the future with a better hope..

The sad sights being displayed on television. The mere picture of the majestic heritage structure like the Taj, set on flames, left me feeling truly helpless. The Nariman House and the Oberoi-Trident hotels are now reported to be safe. But reports of the Taj holding some of the terrorists for nearly 60 hours comes as a huge disappointment to us. Only after 60 hours of gunfire, grenade attacks and numerous encounters here and there, has it all ended.. and I'd like to thank all those responsible for bringing the city under control. No words are enough to repay the debt. =)

The news of the ATS chief, Mr. Hemant Karkare and other reputed officers like Encounter specialist, Mr. Vijay Salaskar, ACP Mr. Ashok Kamte and the numerous others who have sacrificed themselves for our cause has left the whole world completely shell-shocked. The sounds of bomb blasts heard through the satellite fills me up with a fear, a fear of the unknown. Not knowing, who has succumbed to their wounds and suffered the ultimate in the form of death. =(

The sight of the various dead fills me up with a void, a void that I cannot describe in words. The blood stains strewn all across gives a ghastly look to my television set as well. It's fear, anger, frustration, sadness, etc., etc., etc. At this very moment that I express my heart out to you.. a countless number of people are being left totally shattered. Scared. The news of rounds of gunfire heard at the Taj Hotel deepens the void in me. Helpless.

According to an exclusive account by an eye-witness who was held as one of the hostages at the Taj, one of the NSG commandos has been reported to have said that we would take a bullet before it touches any one of you. My salute to each and every one of the brave hearts who have fought till their last breath.. No matter what we do, we can never repay them in any way, for what they are doing for us.. It does not embarrass me to be saying this that there are tears in my eyes this very moment that I speak my heart out..

My salutations as a Mumbaikar, as an Indian, but most importantly.. as a human, to the brave hearts who fought with true heart and soul, and the innocent victims who have died in this act of utter barbarism. They did not deserve this. No one does. May Heaven hold the souls of the faithful departed. May they rest in peace for all eternity.. =)

I hope my honest views help me pave our path into this world and etch out a living to help the society. Change the system. My motto is my goal: "... And Justice For All".

Thank you, yours faithfully..
Amen.

The Seven Circles

Change, change, change, everybody's changing.
The years change, the seasons pass,
And yet we want the same feel.
It's a fear: a fear of carrying the world on our shoulders;
The fear of growing up!

It is prudent to fear; change is inevitable.
Childhood's innocence yearns for eternity,
Striking out before even playing the game.
Walk on, with hope and you'll see-
You are you, and the world is your playground!

Begone from the womb, and soar like the eagle.
Remember not the days you wept in your mamma's arms,
Recall not the hours you sought your daddy's advice,
Those days are gone, those words are now yours.
Strive ahead and prove their faith!

Make not fear your accomplice. But, hope and faith.
What is fear? The only thing to fear is fear itself.
So defy younghood's past for curiosity's sake.
'cause yesterday is spent and done with.
And the only present is tomorrow.

And growing up, you learn- nothing is as imagined.
The flower you dreamed of is a thorn.
The waters, a whirlpool; and the skies, a storm.
And your boat tremors with the evils of life.
But, shiver not!
The difference is made only when you take the path less travelled by.
The tunnel is dark, the light shimmers at the end.

Your options diminishing, your pride shattering.
And you get to hear- Nazareth is sleeping.
To lie here under You..
And yet you move on, the light at the end still shining.
Driving you on to your fate; your meaning of life.

And crawling, weeping, dying, crawling,
Your path meets death with its end.
Not forgiving, unforgiving,
Embracing it in its enlightenment!
Like Jesus to a child..

'cause remember- Dying is a part of life.
Smiling, one must enter the light, seven times thus.
'cause smiling we wake up again,
In the dark of the womb,
From yesteryear's dream,
Again foolishly waiting for immortality..

"So arise, and unbuild it again!
And you'll be glad of another death."

[September 2009]

... And Justice For All!

The moment I reached the last years of my school life, the first thing that everyone asked me was about the fate of my future.. what I would do in life and what career I would pursue? I have been thinking about this matter for a prolonged period of time and now I wish to succeed in life as a lawyer.

I am a staunch believer in justice and I respect the freedom of each human being as an individual. This has been one of the foremost reasons which has compelled me to pursue such a career. Though the India of today is indeed an independent nation, the freedom fighters could however not restore freedom to each and every individual Indian citizen. Ever since we got freedom, India has been ravaged by various social, religious, political, and economic evils.

Corruption is at its peak and it has become a sin to do good in this nation. Everywhere, corruption is at its prominent best! The police-men, ministers, traders, businessmen and even the various authorities are corrupt. This has made it impossible for any innocent to seek justice in the name of Law.

Thus, I wish to become a lawyer and I shall strive to eradicate all these evils from the nation. Though the efforts of just one lawyer may seem very small, I firmly believe in the saying that "Drops of water make a sea"! Thus, I wish to be that one drop of water in this sea and cleanse the country of all its difficulties and hardships! I sincerely believe I can change the world and I shall always strive forward to achieve this goal that I have set for myself!

Many people have often told me to become an Engineer or a Doctor since the earning oppportunities are more out there. But if I do so, then I'll be following a path where only my Mind shall lead me. Money doesn't matter if you do not enjoy the task you have at hand. If I become a lawyer, then my Mind, Heart, Body, and Soul shall all lead me and thus success shall guarantee at each step! It is with this belief that I want to step out into the society with a view to change the world!

I hope my honest views help me pave my path into this world and etch out a living to help the society. My motto is my goal: "... And Justice For All".

[September 2007]