I'm A Finder, Not A Keeper

I'm a finder, not a keeper! I wanted to stay forever young, but I died along the way.

I always thought of myself as a really friendly person. But, that's when I realised the problem with my mistaken thinking. I'm not. This is no masquerade. This is no show to make everyone believe that the world is at peace with itself. This is a liar, a mask of multi-layered ego. A deceitful tactic to make myself believe that I am at peace with myself. A reason for me to know that living two lives- one of the outside show to make others have faith, and the pessimistic inside is going to make life the same for me.. Beautiful. The outside show actually tries to compel the inner soul.. 'Look, a life of love, peace, beauty, forgiveness, hope, friendship, and redemption does exist.' In all of these acts, I now know that this is a facet of self-humour and self-belief, and not a ray of hope for others. I try to make myself believe in all the above things, and not sacrifice myself for those others. A friend(?) of mine once maintained, "Life sucks, and then we die." ... while another said, "Life rocks, and we live on." I think these two sayings very explicitly explained the skeleton of my inner and outer lives respectively.

Why am I telling you all this? Maybe that's because you're one of those rare patient people I've known, without any self-respect at all, who still want to know me. Inside and outside. I want you to know the whole truth. Today. Now. Here goes..

"I am a finder, not a keeper; I am a loser, I'm a weeper."

At first, when you see such a person.. What would you think of him? A baby-faced wonder, prolly? Aah, I guess so. One of those loud-faced people.. who'll make a joke out of everything.. be it satirical or sarcastic, cheesy or gross, funny or intellectual.. it's all the same to him. And it's just for the sake of some laughter. You instantaneously want to know such a person. You like him, and you love his company. You enjoy all the little things he does.. all the rare(?) moments when he sweeps you off your feet. You love it.

Do you ever wonder.. If he really was sucha find, why doesn't he get to keep it? In the beginning of it all, you probably do not understand what he does to you. He's battling two different ideologies deep within himself, and unlike what the (?!)friend said.. There is no hidden beautiful personality. And it is this battle that does him apart. At first go, the battle doesn't surface.. You cannot see this.. If he really is so fun-loving, why is he afraid to shoot strangers? His frolic is an image of deceit, and no one, absolutely no one can look through it. Then, the initial defenses start to break down.. The ones who loved his exterior so much start to shred it to pieces.. They don't like meat; they want to look at the bones. They don't want to study the outer-structure, they want the very base, the super-structure. And when they start to read all that the bones tell 'em, he begins to panic. His ego begins to prick him. How can she do that? How is he reading through it all? His true side comes out, and all the laughter dissolves in the sea of truth. And the truth is.. There is no laughter.

The new side that you see takes you by surprise.. WTF. This wasn't the old him. No one knows, but this is the REAL him. But, no one likes this. They would prolly 've liked such an isolated person, but not when his exo-skeleton is so fun-loving. No one likes a lie. They are taken aback by his 'new' side, and feel deceived. "I want him back. This over-theorising, apprehensive epitome of pessimism is not what I want. I want to smile, I want to laugh.. I want to fly, and I never wanna die ... WTF? I DO NOT CARE." And then, with this epic new realisation, with all the defences broken.. there is nothing left to hide, and nothing more to show. He goes into a shell, and waits.. waits for the next phase of finding-keeping begins.. and here, in isolation, he is joined by his new friend. Loneliness.


I know I have failed many of you. I never wanted any of this. I'm sorry. :)

Adolescence

Teenage years are the most difficult period in a person's life. Write about the difficulties you faced while growing up - XIIth Std., 2nd term - 26/11/2009.

ADOLESCENCE: It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.

One often gets to hear that the teenage years of a person are the most difficult period in his life. His mental, and physical self is in a state of constant change, and in these seven - eight years, one is in a perpetual state of conflicting thoughts, emotions, feelings, and the likes. This statement has been used, and overused to the point of it being called a cliche; and a piece of advice that every twelve year old is subjected to before he enters those ghastly years of turmoil.

For me, it has been no different. I, as everyone else, have been a victim of society, subject to its command without any prior intimidation. Growing up, I have learned that nothing is as imagined. The flower that I dreamt of as a child, was actually a thorn; and the bird I saw flying in the distance, was just a farce. Since our days of younghood, people always tell us to not fear the dark. They say that there always is light at the end of the tunnel. What I don't understand is why these apostles never talk about actually feeling the light, rather than merely seeing it! All they talk about is the sight of it, and they expect us to be pleased by it!

The most prevalent hurdle that one faces is the change in their minds- that internal conflict. When I was in my initial teenage years, I always considered society at large to be my enemy. I failed to realise that the actual change was taking place within me, and I failed to get adapted to the changing times. Studies also played a nefarious role. Education, and schooling are two entirely different concepts. Education is synonymous with learning, and knowledge. Truth. Whereas, schooling means just one thing- exams! "I only want to enjoy my childhood, Ma." This is what I told my mother, and she replied saying, "There will be enough time for you to enjoy once you are well settled in life."

Exams are probably the single largest cause of teenage suicidal deaths in the last decade. It is no surprise that the Indian Cabinet is making plans to make the Xth Board Exams optional. So much just to reduce stress levels!

The teenage years are the most formative years of one's life. It is a transition period when one bids farewell to a toddler, and shakes hands with adulthood. In order to do so, one has to be socially acceptable. An outcast has to place to seek solace, and so he takes to drugs, alcohol, and smoking. Some do it to be accepted by their peers, while others do it to hit back at the same society that churned them out. But for me, the fight to abstain from such illicit habits is probably the biggest challenge of all! After all, one doesn't know what's right or wrong, till he has a dose of both.

My extremely inflated ego, and overheated imagination is another cause of concern. I continue to have countless fall-outs with many erstwhile good friends, all because of my ego. The ordeal I face is that I know the aberration, but I don't know how to rectify it. Or maybe, I don't want to. Day-to-day affairs become heavy, and I feel weighed down by chains as I stand lost, in the middle of a long, dark corridor. My instinct tells me to break away from these chains, but my lovely teenage mind will rather sit, and stare into oblivion, knowing not what went by, nor what comes next.

Parents! The cause of all domestic problems for an imbecile. For years, I resented their motivating me, teaching me, loving me, and tolerating me. I felt that they did that as a household norm, and not because they cared for me. It is only now, and through great holy luck, that I have realised my utter folly. Or else, it might 've been so late that it wouldn't even 've mattered!

"It takes twenty years for a woman to make a man out of her son, but only twenty days for another to make a fool out of him." The occasional feelings that every boy has for a girl can often prove to be fatal. Not only this, but it can also cause many entangling complications with a rival guy friend, simultaneously marring relations among 'em all!

With all my criticism of everything around me, I often wonder how I'm still living in all of it like a "jolly good fellow"! I wonder why I tend to come back stronger every day! Is it because tomorrow is always another day? Or is it because criticism is actually my only prerogative, and everything around me isn't as bad as I imagine it to be?! I come to the conclusion that, with the worst part of my teenage life behind me, I don't need to fear a tomorrow. Looking back, I would actually love to relive all these years I spent complaining. Why? 'cause I enjoyed every moment of the good, and bad times in those days! They call this a paradox, an irony, and an insignia of our age! But then, I can't really blame them either. After all, I'm in a state where I'm no longer a boy; not yet a man!