I'm a finder, not a keeper! I wanted to stay forever young, but I died along the way.
I always thought of myself as a really friendly person. But, that's when I realised the problem with my mistaken thinking. I'm not. This is no masquerade. This is no show to make everyone believe that the world is at peace with itself. This is a liar, a mask of multi-layered ego. A deceitful tactic to make myself believe that I am at peace with myself. A reason for me to know that living two lives- one of the outside show to make others have faith, and the pessimistic inside is going to make life the same for me.. Beautiful. The outside show actually tries to compel the inner soul.. 'Look, a life of love, peace, beauty, forgiveness, hope, friendship, and redemption does exist.' In all of these acts, I now know that this is a facet of self-humour and self-belief, and not a ray of hope for others. I try to make myself believe in all the above things, and not sacrifice myself for those others. A friend(?) of mine once maintained, "Life sucks, and then we die." ... while another said, "Life rocks, and we live on." I think these two sayings very explicitly explained the skeleton of my inner and outer lives respectively.
Why am I telling you all this? Maybe that's because you're one of those rare patient people I've known, without any self-respect at all, who still want to know me. Inside and outside. I want you to know the whole truth. Today. Now. Here goes..
"I am a finder, not a keeper; I am a loser, I'm a weeper."
Do you ever wonder.. If he really was sucha find, why doesn't he get to keep it? In the beginning of it all, you probably do not understand what he does to you. He's battling two different ideologies deep within himself, and unlike what the (?!)friend said.. There is no hidden beautiful personality. And it is this battle that does him apart. At first go, the battle doesn't surface.. You cannot see this.. If he really is so fun-loving, why is he afraid to shoot strangers? His frolic is an image of deceit, and no one, absolutely no one can look through it. Then, the initial defenses start to break down.. The ones who loved his exterior so much start to shred it to pieces.. They don't like meat; they want to look at the bones. They don't want to study the outer-structure, they want the very base, the super-structure. And when they start to read all that the bones tell 'em, he begins to panic. His ego begins to prick him. How can she do that? How is he reading through it all? His true side comes out, and all the laughter dissolves in the sea of truth. And the truth is.. There is no laughter.
The new side that you see takes you by surprise.. WTF. This wasn't the old him. No one knows, but this is the REAL him. But, no one likes this. They would prolly 've liked such an isolated person, but not when his exo-skeleton is so fun-loving. No one likes a lie. They are taken aback by his 'new' side, and feel deceived. "I want him back. This over-theorising, apprehensive epitome of pessimism is not what I want. I want to smile, I want to laugh.. I want to fly, and I never wanna die ... WTF? I DO NOT CARE." And then, with this epic new realisation, with all the defences broken.. there is nothing left to hide, and nothing more to show. He goes into a shell, and waits.. waits for the next phase of finding-keeping begins.. and here, in isolation, he is joined by his new friend. Loneliness.
I know I have failed many of you. I never wanted any of this. I'm sorry. :)
